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223rd May 2003

TP's Small Talk

They always sound so wonderful, those gleaming machines described in the Small Ads. The fabulously delicious Typing Person has seen and typed them all in her time. And she knows how to read between the lines…...

One careful owner

  • And two dozen careless ones

    Mint condition

  • It has a hole in it somewhere

    Mint condition

  • You'll need to be minted to afford to run it

    Mint condition

  • It scared me so much I have never ridden it again.


  • Crashed

    Very rare and unusual

  • No one wanted them when they were new

    One owner from new

  • I've never been able to sell it

    Runs well

  • Looks horrible

    New chain, tyres, battery

  • Everything else knackered

    MoT until June

  • That's LAST June

    12 months MoT

  • The tester's a good mate of mine

    Can MoT

  • But only after the squadron of flying pigs has passed

    Good runner

  • You'll have to be to start it

    Superb town bike

  • It only has first and second gears

    Great motorway bike

  • It only has top gear

    Stored for two years

  • I found it buried in the garden


  • I gave up trying to fix it and I don't have a trailer to take it to the tip

    Full race exhaust system

  • Complete inability to idle

    Completely original

  • Completely knackered

    Custom paint

  • To cover up the crash damage

    Dry use only, never seen rain

  • Tyres bald in centre strip only

    Good condition for year

  • Held together by chewing gum and string

    Average condition for year

  • Held together by dirt and strong drugs

    Low mileage

  • But only if it was a transcontinental truck

    Not despatched

  • Just raced every weekend

    Nearly classic

  • Nearly cream-crackered

    Lady rider

  • Aren't we all?

    Classic insurance

  • But only if you're over 50

    £100s spent

  • £1000s needed


  • Variously gutless and clunky


  • Fearsome speed handling

    Needs some attention

  • Needs a lit match in the petrol tank

    Dismantled but 90% complete

  • And 75% of those parts are for other bikes

    No oil leaks

  • 'cos there's no oil innit

    Doesn't burn any oil

  • 'cos it's all leaked out

    Good winter project

  • Everlasting moneypit

    Breaking, all parts available

  • All parts knackered

    Will part-exchange

  • I'm desperate

    Will deliver

  • I'm extremely desperate

    Open to offers

  • You wouldn't believe how low I'll go

    No sensible offer refused

  • Look, I'll throw in a night with my sister

    Genuine reason for sale

  • I hate the thing

    Good reason for sale

  • It's a lump of scrap

    Ill health forces sale

  • I'm sick of it

    Baby forces sale

  • I'm well under the cosh, me

    First to see will buy

  • Hysteria does funny things to your judgment

    100% reliable

  • It definitely won't start

    Handles like a dream

  • A very bad dream. Not even a Honda Dream

    Ideal first bike

  • No experienced rider would touch it with a barge pole

    Loads of carrying capacity

  • On the AA relay truck

    Never let me down

  • It don't go nowhere

    Always gets me home

  • I live at the bottom of the hill and work at the top

    100% original

  • …oil and filter

    First to ride will buy

  • I have a big stick

    Any trial

  • If it starts

    Professionally rebuilt

  • By a professional stunt man who then professionally crashed it

    Rare example

  • No spares available anywhere at any price

    Owner emigrating

  • The bike is really so bad I don't even want to be in the same country

    Good runner

  • You'll have to be 'cause it keeps conking out

    Plus another bike for spares

  • With all the same parts worn out

    No offers

  • No buyers

    Priced for quick sale

  • It's red hot. Get here before the cops do


  • You will be

    Lots of spares

  • I couldn't work out what was wrong with it, maybe you can

    Regularly serviced

  • Like, once a decade

    Full service history

  • Never out the bloody workshop!

    Ideal commuter

  • You can park it anywhere; nobody will want to steal it because it's so awful

    Breaking for spares

  • Only the twisted frame left, two jars of bolts, one oval wheel and the pointer from the speedo

    Company car forces sale

  • I've given up courier work to become a taxi driver.

    Comes with a second bike for spares

  • I made one out of two crashed bikes

    UK machine

  • Rusted to hell

    No time wasters

  • If you know anything about bikes then don't waste your time

    No tyre-kickers

  • The superglue won't hold for long.

    Cash buyers only

  • I don't want your next of kin to trace me

    Fantastic looker

  • Doesn't go

    Very fast

  • Ticks over at 8000rpm

  • Only recycled pictures today, sorry. But it's a bank holiday, y'see... ...and the bin men haven't been yet. Who did the welding on that pipe? And where did that GS500 come from? Now that's what I call a restoration. Good as new, that is. Oh. Very neat parkers, this lot. Anyway, When the bin men do come... ...make sure they take this with them. And that woman's coat as well. I was wondering where I put that... Zzzzzz. Everyone says they vibrate, but look at that. Steady as a rock. Might as well just pour it straight on the floor if you ask me. Why isn't he called CB125Paul then? Oh. Time to go.

    With much mirth, merriment and thanks to Steve the Toast, Paul Scofield, Byron and everyone else who contributed.

    Got any more? Tell TP and make her happy (chance'd be a fine thing!).

    Now check out the real classified ads


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