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7th October 2004

Opinion: Cooking Engines

When someone mentioned putting engines in the oven in RealClassic magazine, Gary P Pledger thought maybe a few recipes would come in handy. No special skills are required and, for the sensitive, there's the comfort of knowing that all engines will have died a natural death...

Roast British Beef

With hope and a dash of nostaligia. Indeed.Take one Brit iron engine, preferably well seasoned with rust, soak in diesel for one day and then remove and add WD40 to taste. Place in oven and bring to 100-degrees C. Poke head in oven occasionally and inhale vapour. When the world seems to be a peaceful, sweet and loving place, remove from oven - head and engine, in that order (by this time oven gloves will appear optional and, if pain's your thing or you're a horny-handed old Greaser, needn't be used). Place lump of Brit Iron on sturdy table and dismantle. Serve with hope and a dash of nostalgia.

Suzi Sushi

Take one Jap engine (those of an Oriental origin; J.A.P. units do not lend themselves to this recipe). Apply penetrating oil and allow to stand for several hours. Return and place a socket that is a perfect fit on the nearest nut (some people may wish to keep out of the kitchen during the preparation of this dish) and turn carefully. Repeat until all the nuts are perfectly round, and then follow the same procedure with the bolts. At this point, a pattern may be applied to the both the nuts and bolts with a pair of mole grips if so desired. Finally, cut up with a cold chisel / hacksaw / chainsaw, as available, and serve with an inscrutable smile.

Enfield (Indian) No 3

Real Indian?Take one engine / gearbox unit, apply the most toxic penetrating oil you can find and allow to stand. (I've some stuff in a yellow can that according to the label will do awful things to just about every part of your anatomy if touched, sniffed, or looked at in a funny way, and something similar should definitely be sought out. In fact, if Tone and George knew I had it in my garage then they'd probably invade. But I digress). While the engine is standing, drink sufficient lager to become a moron - or have I got the relationship there the wrong way around? Anyway, fill a large pan with oil, heat to simmering point and lower the engine in. Stir steadily for 30 seconds. Remove from oil, puzzle at mix of metric and imperial nuts and bolts, then dismantle. Serve any old how.

Harley Burger

Take one Hog engine and beat vigorously. (This does nothing in particular, but I have a grudge against Harleys). Smear all over with low melting point grease, place on a large baking tray and pop into a preheated oven. Wait till all the grease has melted and suffused the engine and then remove from oven. Beat again till the engine falls apart. Serve with scepticism.

Pass-da Ducati

Take one V-Twin (desmo or otherwise) and apply the most expensive oil you can find. It doesn't have to be penetrating oil, just expensive. Wait a while, then toss the engine in the air with elaborate hand and arm gestures. Repeat until soft and doughy (you, silly, not the engine), then place in a large pan of even more expensive oil that has been brought to a simmer. Allow to simmer for one hour. Remove, dismantle with a flourish and serve with gusto (and in bright leathers, for effect).

Anyone got a recipe for Chinese?

You can't beat a nice bit of gnocchi.


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