Well they're not flying trousers, that would be ridiculous, they're riding trousers, but it makes a good headline. Possibly. Here - because I know you're interested - is A Brief History Of Frank's Trousers, by Frank, aged fifty-five-and-a-bit.

Once upon a time there was a great big motorbike crash, featuring Frank in a starring role. Frank, a noted idiot, was riding his ancient AJS while wearing Mr Wrangler's finest denim trews and Mr Rukka's finest plastic waterproofs. The great collision resulted in great destruction, as these things so often do, and the Very Nice Doctor Man gave Frank a hard time about his choice of trousers. Doctors are all Noted Experts of course and are therefore entitled to do this.

Had Frank been wearing leather trousers, fine bone-stitching doctor opined, then said bone-stitcher would have needed to stitch fewer bones and the world would have been a less pain-wracked place for Frank, and a less busy one for the doctor who had wasted time which could have been spent on the golf course fixing Frank. Frank understood and sympathised. He had no choice; the Very Nice Doctor Man controlled the supply of powerful drugs which in turn controlled the level of discomfort enjoyed by Frank. This is called A Learning Experience.

The video showed a seriously mentally-challenged individual, who we'll call Nic, because he was probably called Nic (although it may have been the oddly if carefully named Mad Count of course; he was also prone to this kind of madness), being dragged along a runway on his botty-bot-bottom by a large and powerful and indeed fearsome motorcycle. The point of this exercise in exquisite bonkersness was to demonstrate exactly how tough were the jeans the madman was wearing. These were Draggin' Jeans, which are produced by loving, kind and generous souls in the Antipodes and are lined with Kevlar, hence their abrasion resistance and ability to be dragged along at high speed while being worn by a madman, possibly called Nic.

Frank fell in love with Draggin Jeans immediately and has worn them instead of leather whenever the temperature rose fleetingly above freezing. He has had several pairs, all of which have been very fine indeed, and now he has some new ones which he wants to tell you about.

But first … the old ones. If you were ever foolish enough to read RealClassic magazine rather than simply wasting your idle moments surfing about in the free and therefore mostly valueless world of the etheric media, you will most likely have spotted Frank wearing his DJs, as he calls them when he's too lazy to type Draggin' Jeans. The first were blue denim (lined with Kevlar), and the next were handsome stonewashed grey ones (lined with Kevlar). They were great. They were held up by braces. But Frank has lost a lot of weight and they were now entertainingly vast.

He needed some more, plainly. So he ordered some, and they arrived. But unknown to him, Rowena, also of the RC persuasion, had another Great Idea; why not order Frank not another pair of his favourite stonewashed grey trousers, but a pair of black ones? Did he not profess delight at the pair of black Wrangler jeans he was given for Christmas? So Rowena ordered Frank a pair of black trousers.

Rowena then suffered from yet another Great Idea (it is plain to see who has all the great ideas around here). As Draggin' Jeans had just announced a new range of excellent trousers which claimed waterproofing abilities verging upon the magical, why not order those for Frank instead? And so she did thus dooming 2008 to a summer of endless deluge. You read it here first, folks.

These great new trousers are called Draggin Oilskins. And here we can quote from Rowena herself, who converted Frank to these trousers with this secret message: 'They've taken the age-old tradition of coating ships' sails with whale and linseed oil and given it a completely modern spin - so no whales were harmed in the making of these jeans! The old form of oilskin has been developed into a clean, waxed cotton fabric which DJs have combined with their Kevlar Unobtanium lining. The result is styled as a classic fit jean with a semi-boot cut to fit over your boots, which provides superb weather resistance while still being soft to touch. Draggin Jeans Oilskins are intended to keep the wearer comfortable, dry and safe, so to test this we sent FW out to the Jampot Rally this month - and indeed he came home with a dripping wet exterior while remaining snug and dry inside.'

But that is only part of the story. Frank has been riding for several thousands of good solid English miles this year, and has become intimately intimate with rain. Lots of rain. And then more rain. Rain comes in many forms, from gentle drizz to true tempest, and Frank has ridden about the UK in all of them. He can therefore reveal to you that…

…the jeans are waterproof. Entirely waterproof when worn behind a fairing like that fitted to his most excellent Norton. When the bike has a fairing, there is no need to wear overtrousers. Frank discovered this because when he was enjoying a particularly vigorous drench in Wales he stopped and put on his very very very old Rukka overtrousers, which have been completely wet-proof for two whole decades. He got soaked. This was because it was summer and was very hot. So, Frank's gruff, manly legs steamed up and soaked the insides of his Draggin Oilskins.

This clever and original piece of research (EU grant has been applied for) revealed that although Frank's legs were soaking wet, the insides of the overtrousers were completely dry. The outsides of the overtrousers were also completely wet. The EU would pay a fortune for understandings like this one. So Frank took off his overtrousers and carried on the remainder of his heroic manly and far too lonely ride around Wales in the honking deluge without the overtrousers. At day's end, and prior to collapsing into a deep bath of warm, relaxing ass's milk and being pampered by sensuously writhing Maidens From Wales, Frank observed that his legs had dried out once the overtrousers were removed, and although the outsides of the Oily Dragginskins were wet, the insides were dry. This is known technically as A Result.

Lashing torrents encountered while riding a bike without a Norton's vast and ugly fairing get held at bay, too, but only for about a half hour. After this point, Frank discovered that as the Oily Draggers do not boast elasticated bottoms water runs up the legs inside them. At this point you get wet legs. This is known as an inevitability and scientists throughout the world understand that it makes it impossible to tell you whether the Draggin Oilies will keep the water out forever. Frank supposes that he could tuck his trousers into his socks but fears that he would look like an imbecile, or worse, like a golfer. Frank also said that he would recommend these fine pants to anyone, and heck, might even buy his (younger, handsome, BMW riding Ewan-clone) brother a pair for Christmas!

And you cannot, gentle reader, say fairer than that.

------------

Draggin Oilskins come in a range of men's sizes up to 44-inch waist and cost £140. To demonstrate their efficacy, just this week Frank rode 200 miles in them through lashing rain, joined Dave Minton and Roger Slater for dinner (yes, that Roger Slater) without leaving any drips on the floor or greasy marks a la old-fashioned waxed cotton, and then rode home again with warm and dry and safe legs.

Oilskins are available from 01732 868200 or see www.dragginjeans.net. DJs also produce a range of denim riding jeans and jackets which offer great protection yet are smart and comfortable enough to wear all day.

Anyone got their own bike clobber recommendations?